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Minority in minority

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Jan. 23rd, 2014 @ 01:11 pm
Here to complain again. This time about school. This semester is like a semester of hell. I lost my drive, my mood, my self esteem,money, just about everything. I feel like I am 31 (in two days), have no plan, no future, nobody to lean on, parents who are oh so smart, like I have wasted so much time unnecessarily.

Despite having graduated with honors before, I am so struggling this year that I feel like quiting the school altogether. In face of the fact that I was thinking of doing my PhD in Japanese, well, I guess not, after all. 

Forever me - existentionalist crisis Jul. 27th, 2013 @ 01:10 am
Beware this is alcohol induced crisis, but you know in my country, we have a saying, that the drunk will say what the the sober person actually thinks, so I guess, being drunk and down actually is a pretty good filter about how I feel about things when I am sober. Well, ok, that's a lie to justify this terrible outpour, but well yeah.....I have once again this feeling of exitentionalist crisis. Why am I me, being me and that kind of stuff. Always when I sort of start liking myself, there comes something to make me see, just....pitiful my existence is.

Ok, to explain this outpour. I went drinking with my friends, because I am doing a one year scholarship in Japan and it is slowly coming to the end and the first peopel are leaving already, that in intself is a pretty good reason to be depressed, if you ask me. So long story short, the guy qho is actually pretty cute has never been interested at all, the guy who might have been interested a little bit is a selfish little kid and I reacted to him absolutely inappropriately in my inebriated state. And really, is it just too much to ask for somebody to care for me?
It seems, it is. So I guess that inside, I will crawl into my hole again, back where I belong, with my slash and loneliness. And my guinea pigs, oh did I mention that one of them died unexpectedly? yeah, that's my life. Never in the right place, always in the wrong time.

getting there...to the adulthood i mean :P Jan. 26th, 2013 @ 01:52 pm
The most important lesson learnt today, basically on my 30th birthday: you can't judge somebody, because they are not the hero you want them to be, just because you need a leading example or don't have enough guts and/or strength to be the hero yourself. They are not you, they are not obliged to feel like you, they are obliged only to live their life as they see fit. And you should do the same, live the life, i mean. The responsibility is entirely yours.

Maybe I should have learnt that one a long time ago. One of my own barriers and ideals fell down again and it is painful.
On the one hand, it is strangely liberating, trying to force yourself not to expect anything from anybody, on the other hand it is suffocating. Feeling that somebody somewhere, a real person, not a fiction hero might have the same rigorous moral and work ethics and then being disappointed. That hurts. I guess it's a hard life for a 30 year old naive girl (and yes, I consider myself still a girl, which is a problem in itself), who still needs heroes because she is still dreaming of becoming this better person and meeting somebody who feels just as strongly. Hard and lonely, better get used to it, I guess.

And this is not as depressive as it sounds, rather wistful, maybe a bit tired, entirely selfish and totally stupid, so I will rather not even explain why do I feel the way I feel, because I am even ashamed to admit to the source of this childish outburst.
I just wish...I didn't need heroes in my life anymore.
Current Mood: wistful

Good bye 2012 Jan. 1st, 2013 @ 04:41 pm
Well, time to look back again....though this year hasn't been particular. Of course only if I omit the fact that I got a scholarship and now I am (stuck) for a year in Japan. I am still not sure whether I am happy about it, or not, I mean, I am here only for three months and well, I knew that I  am not going to return the same. It's really a case of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess. I want to challenge myself, but while I do, I learn so much about myself and realize so many things. For one, I am really connected to my family and friends, I need them more than I would have ever thought possible. I have always thought that I am sort of a loner, well 2012 has thought me that it's not so much truth. I need them in my life, more importantly, in my presence, because well thanks to Skype and modern technologies, I do have them in my life, but it's not the same. But it makes me stronger, I think. I will look back at the time here and wonder, why I was so stuck up on unimportant things and not relish it properly. After all, I am stuck here for a year, there is no way back and it's only up to me to decide whether I want to thoroughly enjoy the experience or suffer through it. It's all in the head.

So what can I say, the greatest positive is I have found strength to break my stereotypes and make a life-changing experience. On the more negative note, I seem to be unable to throw caution to the wind and really make something of the experience, but I am trying :P

Dad is home and well, as good as he gets. This year has been rough on him and us, he has had some serious health issues. I was really really worried about him, and maybe I still should be, but there isn't much I can do. Here is with us, not as healthy as before, but still with us and the sole thought makes me sometimes want to cry with relief.

We bought a small (really really small) apartment, I am listed as the owner. I can't believe it, I own property :P

I think I moved on a lot as a person, but still have so much to learn about me.

I started writing again, at the moment writing an Avengers story, 17 000 words and pushing.

I have found out I have incredibly supportive friends and I should really, really try harder to be a good friend to them in exchange.

I am not as strong as I thought I am, but I am getting there and I should make myself understand that THAT counts.

On the negative side....hmmm really there isn't much to complain about....just petty things that are really not that important in the grand scheme of things, I guess.
So what can I say, bye bye 2012, I am not particularly sad to see you go, although you haven't been a bad year, but I've always liked number 13 anyway :P

My goals for 2013

Have to find new dreams to fulfill.

Open more to people and experiences.

Open up to love (yeees, yeees, that's me being totally Bridget Jones.....) :))
Current Mood: thoughtful, wistful

Against SOPA Jan. 21st, 2012 @ 02:35 pm
How can you even think that internet can be stopped by people thinking in 20th century, pleeeeeaaase, get real.
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